Just a warning: I'm not entirely sure what this blog will be about. I guess we'll see when it's finished, eh?
Man, I feel like I've been doing a lot of processing lately. As I'm writing, my heart is heavy. For some reason, the reality of leaving soon just about knocked the wind out of me today; it hit me quite suddenly. I went up to ask my friend Brooke if I could try her dress on to see if I liked how it fit and wanted to get one myself, and I couldn't even get the words out completely before I realized that the opportunities to get that certain dress are becoming increasingly lessened, and I probably won't have that many more times at the night bazaar. I realize this is a completely silly thing to trigger the reality of leaving, but going to the night bazaar is something that I have done routinely at least biweekly for the past 11 months (this particular one for the past 8 1/2 months). In just over a month, I will be walking the streets of Seattle or Coeur d'Alene and there won't be the night bazaar to go to. I can't ride my bike down to Thalat Bandu (Bandu Market) for a bit of socialization to chat to the friends at Companion Coffee Shop or buy a bunch of flowers for a friend or my favorite meal for about 60 cents. No more going to the big market to drool over yarn with Bethany. No more looking at random signs trying to work out what they say (which has been a recent obsession). No more cuddles with Josiah or a sharing a knowing glance with Mai. No more Monday meetings with all of the staff and laughing at this group of Thais and farongs interact together and share a love for the Lord no matter what the language. I think I'll even miss mornings with the boys, challenging as they are! But, there is a season for everything under heaven, and I know that the season God has placed me in Thailand is coming to an end. Months ago He made it quite clear that this is when I was supposed to stay until, and I am confident that going home now is the right time. It doesn't make it any easier, though. I think one of the most difficult things with going home is having a year of experiences that nobody around me can truly relate to.
On a happier note, I was reflecting on things I have learned over the past year, and the lessons have been huge yet subtle. The Lord has been so good with teaching me lessons in a gentle way throughout my life. I think the biggest thing that I have learned is to trust Him in all things. I remember during mission's week on my DTS, we had a speaker named Dan Baumann. I'm not even sure all the things he talked about, but one thing that I will never forget is how God spoke through him on how I needed to truly trust Him. I'm NOT one to cry in public, and when he began talking about trusting God with finances, I was a blubbering fool. This is one area that I have always been pretty capable of handling on my own, up until now. At this point I had probably $700-800 that hadn't come in yet, and it was a week or two until we left for outreach. Anyway, not only did God ask me to trust Him with providing what I needed, but He asked me to be obedient in helping others when I didn't have all the money myself. This is when He really began to chip away at my dependence on myself so that I could depend on Him fully. To this day, I'm not sure how all the money has come in for me to live here, but God has provided each step of the way and He deserves every bit of glory for that. It sure wasn't me! Even more than that, He has taught me to trust Him with my heart. He has challenged me to love in ways that I would rather not because the risk is great. Through that He has given me a greater glimpse of His love and shown me that no matter what the risk, it is ok to love big because my heart is in His hands, and even if I fall on my face, He will draw me closer to Himself as a result. So, all this to say, I give up. I give up trying to do things my way. I trust Him to take my life and make it something far more beautiful than I ever can. May He get all the glory!
